About Ass

About ass? More like kick some ass! And that is what we pledge to do if erected President and Torture Czar. But first things first – we would like to give a big shout out to Jesus Christ our lord and savior who has given us the strength and courage to extort, frack, and torture. Actually that's W's line but since Dick controlled his every action, what's the difference? Our presidency will be a sublime amalgamation of profiteering from the oil service industries, sole source contracting, and surveillance. We are already personally responsible for unspeakable amounts of needless deaths and war profiteering. Dick overturned (Nixon established) the Clean Water Act so he could frack natural gas. We both chose to not serve in the military. Screw the Geneva Convention - how about a modern spin on medieval torture, like the secret torture chamber in Damascus? And how about receiving millions of dollars in salary payments from Halliburton while serving the public as Vice President, then awarding that same company an enormous government contract without the usual competitive bidding process? If you think that makes a mockery of our democracy, then you are probably related to Jimmy Carter and are a hapless apologist for the left.

In short, we have the major league nutsacks needed to take this country back from the tax-raising, big government, anti-Christian Muslim Kenyan-born socialist who currently is running the United States of America into the ground.

Fun facts about the candidates:

  • Favorite Chemical: Hydrochloric Acid
  • Favorite Term: "Strip Search"
  • Favorite Book: Mein Kampf
  • Vacation Destination: Not Spain (talk to Yoo about that situation)
  • Favorite Movie: There Will be Blood

Presidential Candidate Dick Cheney
Vice Presidential Candidate John Yoo